Does it scare you? If so, then you should probably do it.
Today I learned about Jim Elliot and how he surrendered his life to God. It's funny because my phone's wall paper is a quote by Jim Elliot. I didn't even know the meaning behind it, or the magnitude, the depth of his story, then I read about him today.
Yup, I cried on the bus, as expected, judging from how often I've been brought to tears recently.
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep and gain what he cannot lose."
I want to live my life for something bigger. As Christian, we all say this. But do we actually commit to that? Jennie Allen was right when she said this nation is good at "being verbally passionate but highly unresponsive" in our actions and the way we live our lives. Now we're talking. And now I'm reflecting. I am not sure what I can do for God's kingdom yet, but I know I don't want to live an ordinary life. While I'm ok with being an ordinary human being, I know by serving an extraordinary God, this life will surely not look anything ordinary. Right? And that's scary, that's me telling God to do whatever he wills with this life. That's scary.
Taking big step is scary, giving my life away for the unknown is scary. But taking small steps is a good start. Dying to myself in small ways everyday is a good place to start.
All of this is just a really long way of announcing that there is this really terrifying thing that I don't want to do. NO GOD I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO THAT FAR. I don't. No no no no no no no. The thought of it makes me cringe. I just want to run away. But the more I want to avoid that thought, the more it comes back to me. The more I told God no, the more I saw how he's been placing different pieces in my life from the past couple of years...to the past couple of weeks to prepare me to be in some situation like this.
And that is to forgive, to reconcile, to embrace, to love, to love, and to love again, to pursue this friendship just for this time being, no matter how badly it might hurt me.
I'm absolutely out of my mind. Have I gone crazy? Is this just something I want or something God is commanding me to do? I don't think it's something I want because God no I don't want to go back and be ripped apart again. But is following Jesus ever easy? ever convenient? ever painless? I thought so but it didn't seem so, throughout history, throughout the bible, throughout my testimony. It's not easy, and this is a further step to lead me out from my comfort, a bigger step for me to die to my own way and to obey whatever is commanded.
I remember writing in my journal once, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results," (okay it's probably from Albert Einstein). So I guess I'm not insane just yet. I'm not running away this time.
Just that there is still SO MUCH uncertainty. I don't exactly know the steps to take. I know why, I know what, but I don't know how. Dear loving heavenly Father, would you give me clearer signs of what you want me to do? I will do it if you tell me what they are.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
the end of this journey
[someday]
There's a board called "someday" on my pinterest. That someday in the future I sometimes dream about. That someday when I finally find my someone, when I finally get to put on that dress, and say my yes to forever. That someday with a gorgeous outdoor ceremony, with friends and family and flowers and champagne. That someday with dancing in lights and laughters. And then the clock hits, and my guests leave, the lights fade, and I go home as a newly wedded bride...
And what comes after that someday?
Girls spend too much timing dreaming about their perfect weddings, their future husband, and family, and whatnot. But really though, that's not what we're here for. We are put here for a greater mission, and if having a marriage helps you to carry out your mission more affectively, as a married couple, as a family, then so be it. Bottom line is, marriage is not everything. Marriage is not forever. Your life is eternal, marriage is not.
Darn. If you've read Francis Chan's new book that came out this year, you know where I'm getting that from. And it's silly because I honestly didn't enjoy that book as much as I thought I would. Let me tell you why. Just kidding kids go read that book, even if you're single, like me, it's a great book with great insights. But with all seriousness, I've been thinking about that for a while now, and feeling ashamed of myself for putting so much hope in that someday of mine.
Here's the deal. Jesus has a commandment for us. And that is to love God the Lord with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength and all your mind (luke 10:27), and to make disciples of all nations (matthew 28:19). Marriages are great (I mean, what do I know? It's a blessing when it's done right), but they can be so distracting from what our real callings are. I know I have been distracted, with the mindset of which that someday is the end of my greatest love story. And because I thought that way, and still do from time to time, I seek Jesus in people. That's going to sound odd. But let me explain. I hurt so much, from relationship A to relationship B, I hurt so much from them. I was too busy looking for Jesus in people, and I fell for that little piece of Jesus in them, thinking that this is it! That's Jesus! This boy is going to be like Jesus, he is going to demonstrate Christ's kind of love to me! Ah I've waited all my life (20 years) for this! Then in reality, obviously, they are not Jesus, far from it! I was looking for Jesus in people for too long, then people failed and walked away, then I got all heartbroken, all skeptical, all bitter, forgetting hat Jesus, Himself, is never going to fail or walk away.
While it is good to look for godly traits in people, it distracts me from seeking God in Him Himself, from putting all my heart, soul, mind and strength in His promise and His unchanging faithfulness. I forget my mission. I forget that I'm called by Him, not to find a husband, not to have a beautiful marriage, nor to have a happy family. Of course, if those are given during my mission, then that's great, all glory to Him. But that is not, by no means, the end of this journey. Gosh, women, you all need to get this right. Your greatest mission on earth is not to find a husband, and your greatest story is not just a happy marriage. You're designed to have more than that! (Wait, God wants to give us more? Unbelievable! Underserving!) But yes, He loves us with a jealous love.
Someday is great. Whether it be during my time on earth that I'm blessed with a husband to pursue this mission together, a marriage that shows me more clearly of Christ's sacrificial love for the church, and a family of Jesus followers to carry on this mission, OR it be the day when I meet Him face to face, Jesus, who is going to marry us for eternity. Refocus yourself to God, not your (Christ like) spouse.
There's a board called "someday" on my pinterest. That someday in the future I sometimes dream about. That someday when I finally find my someone, when I finally get to put on that dress, and say my yes to forever. That someday with a gorgeous outdoor ceremony, with friends and family and flowers and champagne. That someday with dancing in lights and laughters. And then the clock hits, and my guests leave, the lights fade, and I go home as a newly wedded bride...
And what comes after that someday?
Girls spend too much timing dreaming about their perfect weddings, their future husband, and family, and whatnot. But really though, that's not what we're here for. We are put here for a greater mission, and if having a marriage helps you to carry out your mission more affectively, as a married couple, as a family, then so be it. Bottom line is, marriage is not everything. Marriage is not forever. Your life is eternal, marriage is not.
Darn. If you've read Francis Chan's new book that came out this year, you know where I'm getting that from. And it's silly because I honestly didn't enjoy that book as much as I thought I would. Let me tell you why. Just kidding kids go read that book, even if you're single, like me, it's a great book with great insights. But with all seriousness, I've been thinking about that for a while now, and feeling ashamed of myself for putting so much hope in that someday of mine.
Here's the deal. Jesus has a commandment for us. And that is to love God the Lord with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength and all your mind (luke 10:27), and to make disciples of all nations (matthew 28:19). Marriages are great (I mean, what do I know? It's a blessing when it's done right), but they can be so distracting from what our real callings are. I know I have been distracted, with the mindset of which that someday is the end of my greatest love story. And because I thought that way, and still do from time to time, I seek Jesus in people. That's going to sound odd. But let me explain. I hurt so much, from relationship A to relationship B, I hurt so much from them. I was too busy looking for Jesus in people, and I fell for that little piece of Jesus in them, thinking that this is it! That's Jesus! This boy is going to be like Jesus, he is going to demonstrate Christ's kind of love to me! Ah I've waited all my life (20 years) for this! Then in reality, obviously, they are not Jesus, far from it! I was looking for Jesus in people for too long, then people failed and walked away, then I got all heartbroken, all skeptical, all bitter, forgetting hat Jesus, Himself, is never going to fail or walk away.
While it is good to look for godly traits in people, it distracts me from seeking God in Him Himself, from putting all my heart, soul, mind and strength in His promise and His unchanging faithfulness. I forget my mission. I forget that I'm called by Him, not to find a husband, not to have a beautiful marriage, nor to have a happy family. Of course, if those are given during my mission, then that's great, all glory to Him. But that is not, by no means, the end of this journey. Gosh, women, you all need to get this right. Your greatest mission on earth is not to find a husband, and your greatest story is not just a happy marriage. You're designed to have more than that! (Wait, God wants to give us more? Unbelievable! Underserving!) But yes, He loves us with a jealous love.
Someday is great. Whether it be during my time on earth that I'm blessed with a husband to pursue this mission together, a marriage that shows me more clearly of Christ's sacrificial love for the church, and a family of Jesus followers to carry on this mission, OR it be the day when I meet Him face to face, Jesus, who is going to marry us for eternity. Refocus yourself to God, not your (Christ like) spouse.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
seventeenth
I have a lot to say, but I have very few words for what I want to say. This little self within me is both ineloquent and insecure. And probably many other more factors contribute to this constant struggle. Haha what is even self.
Then, I'm always trying to do too much, and failing at everything in the end. I'm not sure what it is really. But I fancy the idea of always being on the go. Yes, I am pleasantly aware of my un-organization, fully aware of my perceiving-ness. Maybe because I'm trying to be what I'm not that makes everything so hard.
Life is hard like that.
If I'm gonna pray, why don't I pray with boldness? It's gonna take a miracle anyway, I might as well pray for a bigger one? How come that thought never came across my head. Oh me of little faith.
Seventeenth because, it's the 17th again. These come every month ever since the 17th of May in 1994. 17th repeats itself, and so I get monthly emotional outbursts. What are those? I will tell you that they are a mixture of many things. But recently they have been close to depression. I had better months some years ago.
In closing, you should know that I can't live with people, I'm gonna move out to a nice studio of my own as soon as I make enough money to support myself.
Then, I'm always trying to do too much, and failing at everything in the end. I'm not sure what it is really. But I fancy the idea of always being on the go. Yes, I am pleasantly aware of my un-organization, fully aware of my perceiving-ness. Maybe because I'm trying to be what I'm not that makes everything so hard.
Life is hard like that.
If I'm gonna pray, why don't I pray with boldness? It's gonna take a miracle anyway, I might as well pray for a bigger one? How come that thought never came across my head. Oh me of little faith.
Seventeenth because, it's the 17th again. These come every month ever since the 17th of May in 1994. 17th repeats itself, and so I get monthly emotional outbursts. What are those? I will tell you that they are a mixture of many things. But recently they have been close to depression. I had better months some years ago.
In closing, you should know that I can't live with people, I'm gonna move out to a nice studio of my own as soon as I make enough money to support myself.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Looking Back
Memories of you hurt. I think I should just stop thinking. I always know that it's not healthy to go into a time of isolation for closure when things are not nicely resolved. I don't want to wait a couple months to years to finally not care about it. I do care about it, I did. And saying that I don't care is a not sign surrendering, that doesn't set me free, no. Instead, not caring is almost like pretending to be strong, pretending that everything is finally ok again, while avoiding the root issues and letting the problems fade away.... and pile up in the back of your mind.
In the end, I think what I really miss is what we almost had. Not so much about you anymore, not so much about me, not so much about the good memories of us. In a while these things all passed away. What was left was really just the hurt, the scars, and the new skin.
Don't you think?
Throw back to when I looked like a kid, thought like a kid, when everything was simpler and the happiest place on earth was home.
In the end, I think what I really miss is what we almost had. Not so much about you anymore, not so much about me, not so much about the good memories of us. In a while these things all passed away. What was left was really just the hurt, the scars, and the new skin.
Don't you think?
Throw back to when I looked like a kid, thought like a kid, when everything was simpler and the happiest place on earth was home.
It's just one of those days when you feel really crappy about yourself. Life is just getting harder and harder as you grow up. I have major communication problem with people, and I'm such a talker too. I don't know what to do. :(
Friday, June 6, 2014
20 | past and present
Forgiveness for who she was.
Ideas of who she wants to be.
"For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
-Romans 5:7-8
"For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."
-2 Timothy 1:7
Father you have saved me and called me to a holy life, not because of my work, but because of your own purpose and your grace. Everything that was, was perfectly orchestrated by you that worked together for the bigger picture to demonstrate your grace, your glory, and our gospel. Everything that is mine at this moment, is from you entrusting to me for this moment. Father you have a good plan for all who love you. Father what is mine you will guard it until the day that has been entrusted to me. Father you are good, and you only know how to give good gifts. Father give me strength to fall and to be picked up again.
I have an idea of who I want to be, who I want to be with. But your opinion is far more important. Who do you want me to be and be with? Help me to seek you first.
Ideas of who she wants to be.
"For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
-Romans 5:7-8
"For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."
-2 Timothy 1:7
Father you have saved me and called me to a holy life, not because of my work, but because of your own purpose and your grace. Everything that was, was perfectly orchestrated by you that worked together for the bigger picture to demonstrate your grace, your glory, and our gospel. Everything that is mine at this moment, is from you entrusting to me for this moment. Father you have a good plan for all who love you. Father what is mine you will guard it until the day that has been entrusted to me. Father you are good, and you only know how to give good gifts. Father give me strength to fall and to be picked up again.
I have an idea of who I want to be, who I want to be with. But your opinion is far more important. Who do you want me to be and be with? Help me to seek you first.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Worship
All the things I learned from Jesse. Notes from 3 years ago!
Worship should be emotional (psalm 95:1). We express our joy through worship to God. It should be connected with mind (Psalm 95:6), we should know our place before God or we'll just be singing but not worshiping with our mind. For example, if the lyrics go "let us bow down", then we should physically do so, or it's just weird. Also we worship out from our will. We should and will see the value of God through worship and everything will be so much greater than just the music alone. God never fails, so we worship Him. During worship, we need community, everything in the songs are plural (let "us" come to You) because no one individual can draw personality from someone. And we learn from each other for that the purpose of fellowship is that through sharing, we can see how God is moving in everyone's life.
Then, it's all about truth. One great thing about worship is that the words are true, they are what God has done. We can learn about God through worship, and it's a time of responding our hearts to the message. Therefore when worship team chooses songs, they should be something related to the message. When we worship God, the Spirit is joyous for the one and only. Lastly, worship gives a gospel sabbath rest. Practicing worship should be restful but not another burden of extra work. We desire to do so, to glorify God, so it should be a time of joy and peace.
When we sing praise, we should fix our eyes on God and focus on the truth in the lyrics.
Worship is amazing.
Worship should be emotional (psalm 95:1). We express our joy through worship to God. It should be connected with mind (Psalm 95:6), we should know our place before God or we'll just be singing but not worshiping with our mind. For example, if the lyrics go "let us bow down", then we should physically do so, or it's just weird. Also we worship out from our will. We should and will see the value of God through worship and everything will be so much greater than just the music alone. God never fails, so we worship Him. During worship, we need community, everything in the songs are plural (let "us" come to You) because no one individual can draw personality from someone. And we learn from each other for that the purpose of fellowship is that through sharing, we can see how God is moving in everyone's life.
Then, it's all about truth. One great thing about worship is that the words are true, they are what God has done. We can learn about God through worship, and it's a time of responding our hearts to the message. Therefore when worship team chooses songs, they should be something related to the message. When we worship God, the Spirit is joyous for the one and only. Lastly, worship gives a gospel sabbath rest. Practicing worship should be restful but not another burden of extra work. We desire to do so, to glorify God, so it should be a time of joy and peace.
When we sing praise, we should fix our eyes on God and focus on the truth in the lyrics.
Worship is amazing.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Hopefully this will happen, someday
In an ideal day of Kathy's ordinary life, it will look somewhat like this:
-5:00 Wake up, put on running shoes and shorts, go run
-6:00 Enjoy sunrise and God's creation. Enjoy breathing and heart beating.
-7:00 Healthy big breakfast. Shower. Coffee, Bible, quiet time
-8:00 play some tunes, more quiet time and more coffee
-9:00 walk around in the neighborhood, probably buying grocery or strolling through a farmer's market
-10:00 read a book under a tree, or in a pretty library
-11:00 start cooking and eating lunch
-1:00 clean up the house
-2:00 play piano, extended piano sesh
-4:00 writing cards and letters at a cafe, or my kitchen if I make it nice like a cafe. Sometimes I might bake a pie for myself or for friends, depends on how much I like my friends that day.
-6:00 light dinner food, while watching TV maybe
-7:00 play with my cats and dogs and turtles. I might play guitar for them. I might write a couple songs.
I might knit a scarf or make ice cream.
-9:00 bedtime. repeat.
Well this is not happening for a while. But it's okay.
And no, I don't work. All play.
-5:00 Wake up, put on running shoes and shorts, go run
-6:00 Enjoy sunrise and God's creation. Enjoy breathing and heart beating.
-7:00 Healthy big breakfast. Shower. Coffee, Bible, quiet time
-8:00 play some tunes, more quiet time and more coffee
-9:00 walk around in the neighborhood, probably buying grocery or strolling through a farmer's market
-10:00 read a book under a tree, or in a pretty library
-11:00 start cooking and eating lunch
-1:00 clean up the house
-2:00 play piano, extended piano sesh
-4:00 writing cards and letters at a cafe, or my kitchen if I make it nice like a cafe. Sometimes I might bake a pie for myself or for friends, depends on how much I like my friends that day.
-6:00 light dinner food, while watching TV maybe
-7:00 play with my cats and dogs and turtles. I might play guitar for them. I might write a couple songs.
I might knit a scarf or make ice cream.
-9:00 bedtime. repeat.
Well this is not happening for a while. But it's okay.
And no, I don't work. All play.
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