Insanity

Does it scare you? If so, then you should probably do it. 

Today I learned about Jim Elliot and how he surrendered his life to God. It's funny because my phone's wall paper is a quote by Jim Elliot. I didn't even know the meaning behind it, or the magnitude, the depth of his story, then I read about him today.

Yup, I cried on the bus, as expected, judging from how often I've been brought to tears recently.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep and gain what he cannot lose."

I want to live my life for something bigger. As Christian, we all say this. But do we actually commit to that? Jennie Allen was right when she said this nation is good at "being verbally passionate but highly unresponsive" in our actions and the way we live our lives. Now we're talking. And now I'm reflecting. I am not sure what I can do for God's kingdom yet, but I know I don't want to live an ordinary life. While I'm ok with being an ordinary human being, I know by serving an extraordinary God, this life will surely not look anything ordinary. Right? And that's scary, that's me telling God to do whatever he wills with this life. That's scary.

Taking big step is scary, giving my life away for the unknown is scary. But taking small steps is a good start. Dying to myself in small ways everyday is a good place to start.

All of this is just a really long way of announcing that there is this really terrifying thing that I don't want to do. NO GOD I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO THAT FAR. I don't. No no no no no no no.  The thought of it makes me cringe. I just want to run away. But the more I want to avoid that thought, the more it comes back to me. The more I told God no, the more I saw how he's been placing different pieces in my life from the past couple of years...to the past couple of weeks to prepare me to be in some situation like this.


And that is to forgive, to reconcile, to embrace, to love, to love, and to love again, to pursue this friendship just for this time being, no matter how badly it might hurt me.

I'm absolutely out of my mind. Have I gone crazy? Is this just something I want or something God is commanding me to do? I don't think it's something I want because God no I don't want to go back and be ripped apart again. But is following Jesus ever easy? ever convenient? ever painless? I thought so but it didn't seem so, throughout history, throughout the bible, throughout my testimony. It's not easy, and this is a further step to lead me out from my comfort, a bigger step for me to die to my own way and to obey whatever is commanded.

I remember writing in my journal once, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results," (okay it's probably from Albert Einstein). So I guess I'm not insane just yet. I'm not running away this time.

Just that there is still SO MUCH uncertainty. I don't exactly know the steps to take. I know why, I know what, but I don't know how. Dear loving heavenly Father, would you give me clearer signs of what you want me to do? I will do it if you tell me what they are.