Callous

I really like late nights. I think I will really enjoy early mornings too, if only I could wake up for them.
Those are the times when everyone else in the world, or at least in this house, is partially out of this world. Their words, their opinions, their actions don't matter. They can't affect me.  They can't harm me.

I don't know if this is going to make much sense because, it's been a long day. I'm trying really hard to not just bring all my life complaints to blogs. It's just not fruitful. But if I don't write these down, I think I will explode.  People don't understand. People don't experience the same life as I do. I thought I've already gone through the worst, but who would've known that emotional torture can be even worse.

I'm really scared of getting used to the patterns. I'm scared that I'll be used to the standards of the level of human interaction in this place, minimal, close to none. I'm scared that I'll think it's ok to be irresponsive to everyone and everything. Scared that I'll think it's ok to look like everyone owes me 5 million everywhere I go. I don't want to be so good at living a double life. But by living with people like these I'm already mastering that skill of changing face as quick as 3 seconds. Bipolar yet perfectly in control of it. Will I forget who I really am? I don't know. But I know I'm slowly losing it. And I'm scared.

Scared to become like them.

It ain't easy to be in the world but not of the world.  That is especially fitting when it comes to living in the world of negativity, criticism, unlovingness, discouragements, exclusion and low self esteem. How do I live in those and not be brought down. What are the ways. What are the ways other than running away for a break.

God has so much promise in his words. He is working, I just need to be obedient. I want to believe that I will not go down the same path, because he is perfecting the work that he's already started.  His work and his grace for me is not in vain.

But what can I do? What will I do?