I just deactivated my facebook this past week, life has been a little more free since. I'm not constantly consumed by notifications, I'm not paying as much attention to what other people are doing (in another word, stalking), not involving myself with cyber relationships that are half empty, not feeding myself with the unnecessary attention from likes and comments. It's good. It's freeing. I know it's not the only way to go about it, but before I feel certain that my life is not centered around it, I'll stay away from it. :)
As for tumblr, it's a whole other story. I should probably do the same to tumblr. There are a lot of junks, raging emotions, lots of jumbled thoughts and incomplete pieces of writings. There are good days and bad days. There are some reflection on life, but mostly complaints. It is definitely convenient for me to examine my life, which I just did. Scrolling through the past few months of my life with just one click, that depressing roller coaster ride lied uncovered on the internet. It's okay though, no one reads it anyway (-is what I told myself as an excuse to releash my exploding emotions and tears that I cannot contain.) But after a while, that kind of sadness gets addictive, and my desire of alone-ness turns into an unhealthy kind of loneliness, confined yet by another social medium. Still not quite sure if I actually want people to read them, but I boldly allowed them to be seen. Those are traces of evidence that scream "this girl is crazy, this girl is love sick and home sick, this girl is emotional unstable." I guess my sane self don't want people to know that. An accurate presentation of myself or not, I can't say that's who I want to be.
So who do I want to be? It's not your typical icebreaker question of "who do you want to be if you get to be a Hollywood stars for just one day?" (Jennifer Lawrence by the way.) There are definitely role models in my life, many people I look up to and I aspire to be more like. But, I definitely want to be me. Even though I know deep down I'm just a messed up, conflicted little girl trying to figure out life, but I'll stick with being myself, and more than that, looking forward to becoming the Kathy I have always aspired myself to be (studious, loving, genuinely caring, sympathetic, compassionate, strong, observing, encouraging, a good cook, a runner, a musician... just to give myself an idea.)
With that goal in mind, this new blog will be a new start!! jk let's stop the cliche here. It's for me to figure out who I am, for me to write better and write real, write less depressing and emotion overboard stuff. It's for me to focus on who I hope to someday become (I mean, writing more positively about it is a small step toward becoming it, right?) Perhaps as it goes, I can see growth in my own walk more clearly, and be assured that He is working in my life.
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