I really like late nights. I think I will really enjoy early mornings too, if only I could wake up for them.
Those are the times when everyone else in the world, or at least in this house, is partially out of this world. Their words, their opinions, their actions don't matter. They can't affect me. They can't harm me.
I don't know if this is going to make much sense because, it's been a long day. I'm trying really hard to not just bring all my life complaints to blogs. It's just not fruitful. But if I don't write these down, I think I will explode. People don't understand. People don't experience the same life as I do. I thought I've already gone through the worst, but who would've known that emotional torture can be even worse.
I'm really scared of getting used to the patterns. I'm scared that I'll be used to the standards of the level of human interaction in this place, minimal, close to none. I'm scared that I'll think it's ok to be irresponsive to everyone and everything. Scared that I'll think it's ok to look like everyone owes me 5 million everywhere I go. I don't want to be so good at living a double life. But by living with people like these I'm already mastering that skill of changing face as quick as 3 seconds. Bipolar yet perfectly in control of it. Will I forget who I really am? I don't know. But I know I'm slowly losing it. And I'm scared.
Scared to become like them.
It ain't easy to be in the world but not of the world. That is especially fitting when it comes to living in the world of negativity, criticism, unlovingness, discouragements, exclusion and low self esteem. How do I live in those and not be brought down. What are the ways. What are the ways other than running away for a break.
God has so much promise in his words. He is working, I just need to be obedient. I want to believe that I will not go down the same path, because he is perfecting the work that he's already started. His work and his grace for me is not in vain.
But what can I do? What will I do?
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
Hi
Here I am, sitting here in the office, confined by 4 walls around me, writing and rewriting the first entry of my blog, hoping I could be elsewhere enjoying this nice weather.
I just deactivated my facebook this past week, life has been a little more free since. I'm not constantly consumed by notifications, I'm not paying as much attention to what other people are doing (in another word, stalking), not involving myself with cyber relationships that are half empty, not feeding myself with the unnecessary attention from likes and comments. It's good. It's freeing. I know it's not the only way to go about it, but before I feel certain that my life is not centered around it, I'll stay away from it. :)
As for tumblr, it's a whole other story. I should probably do the same to tumblr. There are a lot of junks, raging emotions, lots of jumbled thoughts and incomplete pieces of writings. There are good days and bad days. There are some reflection on life, but mostly complaints. It is definitely convenient for me to examine my life, which I just did. Scrolling through the past few months of my life with just one click, that depressing roller coaster ride lied uncovered on the internet. It's okay though, no one reads it anyway (-is what I told myself as an excuse to releash my exploding emotions and tears that I cannot contain.) But after a while, that kind of sadness gets addictive, and my desire of alone-ness turns into an unhealthy kind of loneliness, confined yet by another social medium. Still not quite sure if I actually want people to read them, but I boldly allowed them to be seen. Those are traces of evidence that scream "this girl is crazy, this girl is love sick and home sick, this girl is emotional unstable." I guess my sane self don't want people to know that. An accurate presentation of myself or not, I can't say that's who I want to be.
So who do I want to be? It's not your typical icebreaker question of "who do you want to be if you get to be a Hollywood stars for just one day?" (Jennifer Lawrence by the way.) There are definitely role models in my life, many people I look up to and I aspire to be more like. But, I definitely want to be me. Even though I know deep down I'm just a messed up, conflicted little girl trying to figure out life, but I'll stick with being myself, and more than that, looking forward to becoming the Kathy I have always aspired myself to be (studious, loving, genuinely caring, sympathetic, compassionate, strong, observing, encouraging, a good cook, a runner, a musician... just to give myself an idea.)
With that goal in mind, this new blog will be a new start!! jk let's stop the cliche here. It's for me to figure out who I am, for me to write better and write real, write less depressing and emotion overboard stuff. It's for me to focus on who I hope to someday become (I mean, writing more positively about it is a small step toward becoming it, right?) Perhaps as it goes, I can see growth in my own walk more clearly, and be assured that He is working in my life.
-K
I just deactivated my facebook this past week, life has been a little more free since. I'm not constantly consumed by notifications, I'm not paying as much attention to what other people are doing (in another word, stalking), not involving myself with cyber relationships that are half empty, not feeding myself with the unnecessary attention from likes and comments. It's good. It's freeing. I know it's not the only way to go about it, but before I feel certain that my life is not centered around it, I'll stay away from it. :)
As for tumblr, it's a whole other story. I should probably do the same to tumblr. There are a lot of junks, raging emotions, lots of jumbled thoughts and incomplete pieces of writings. There are good days and bad days. There are some reflection on life, but mostly complaints. It is definitely convenient for me to examine my life, which I just did. Scrolling through the past few months of my life with just one click, that depressing roller coaster ride lied uncovered on the internet. It's okay though, no one reads it anyway (-is what I told myself as an excuse to releash my exploding emotions and tears that I cannot contain.) But after a while, that kind of sadness gets addictive, and my desire of alone-ness turns into an unhealthy kind of loneliness, confined yet by another social medium. Still not quite sure if I actually want people to read them, but I boldly allowed them to be seen. Those are traces of evidence that scream "this girl is crazy, this girl is love sick and home sick, this girl is emotional unstable." I guess my sane self don't want people to know that. An accurate presentation of myself or not, I can't say that's who I want to be.
So who do I want to be? It's not your typical icebreaker question of "who do you want to be if you get to be a Hollywood stars for just one day?" (Jennifer Lawrence by the way.) There are definitely role models in my life, many people I look up to and I aspire to be more like. But, I definitely want to be me. Even though I know deep down I'm just a messed up, conflicted little girl trying to figure out life, but I'll stick with being myself, and more than that, looking forward to becoming the Kathy I have always aspired myself to be (studious, loving, genuinely caring, sympathetic, compassionate, strong, observing, encouraging, a good cook, a runner, a musician... just to give myself an idea.)
With that goal in mind, this new blog will be a new start!! jk let's stop the cliche here. It's for me to figure out who I am, for me to write better and write real, write less depressing and emotion overboard stuff. It's for me to focus on who I hope to someday become (I mean, writing more positively about it is a small step toward becoming it, right?) Perhaps as it goes, I can see growth in my own walk more clearly, and be assured that He is working in my life.
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